Who Are You Without Your Trauma?

Join Tytannie Harris and Latosha Davis in Season 3, Episode 5 of "Raw with a Purpose," as they delve into the profound topic of trauma and its impact on our lives. In this powerful episode, they explore the complexities of trauma, the misconceptions around it, and the importance of a trauma-informed approach to therapy.

The discussion opens with an examination of why trauma responses vary greatly and how misunderstandings about these reactions can lead to misjudgments and further harm. They emphasize the need for empathy and understanding, explaining that trauma should not define a person, nor should it be a yardstick for comparing sufferings.

Tytannie and Latosha also discuss the importance of separating oneself from their trauma, advocating for the recognition of individual worth beyond traumatic experiences. They share personal insights on maintaining professional boundaries as therapists and the critical nature of self-care in the field of mental health.

This episode is a must-listen for anyone looking to understand trauma better, seek ways to support others, or find pathways to personal healing. It's filled with critical discussions on how to navigate trauma, the role of therapists, and the journey of healing and resilience.

Tune in to "Raw with a Purpose" for an enlightening conversation that aims to educate, inspire, and empower listeners to approach trauma with knowledge, sensitivity, and hope.

Follow Raw With a Purpose on Instagram for more content and tips on how you can manage your mental health ---> @RawWithAPurpose

Transcript

0:06

Hey y'all, we are back for another episode of Raw with a purpose. I am Titanic Harris, author, speaker, business consultant and CEO of TMH Behavioral Services, founder of TMH Man Cave Carl brings another title. Oh my God, I was going to give him some bigger airtime. Next thing is, you gonna have a whole nother. Not entirely. All right. My name. It is like, hey, if this responsibility that comes with this title is heavy, I write the checks. Listen, give it go. I'm Latasha Davis. Couples, marriage, family and relationship expert here at CAMH Behavioral Services and vice president. Yes, yes, yes. I think we need these layers for this episode because, we're talking about a very heavy topic. So we want just to put some disclaimers out there for people, we want to be talking about trauma. And, who are you without your trauma? And so trauma in its purest form is basically a distressing event that promotes, promotes, emotional or physical response. Right. So anything that has happened to you and you have an emotional or physical response to it, no matter what it is. Trauma. Yeah. And we want to talk about that because I as you know, we are trauma for therapists. Trauma informed therapists book. Let me get it out. Trauma at that time I know that's our I'm here I'm a healing center. So it's recognized as a trauma informed therapist. And so we deal with trauma day in and day out. So that's one thing we always make sure we self-care that we want to take care of ourselves when dealing with that. for me for trauma, I'm not number seven anymore. Talk about trauma. Let's start there. I can't get up. This one can get up early and start her day. but when we talking about trauma, we want to talk about people who died trying out traumatized people, saying their trauma is bigger than this person's trauma. Trauma is trauma. Regardless of what that looks like for people. We have different experiences with. The people respond differently. And then we want to take in consideration how people respond. When you say, oh, well, this person is physically abused versus this person being sexually abused, like it's not okay for you to feel nasty, feel you should feel the way you feel, but just be considerate of this person. Experience and how this person is receiving what happened to them. And also, I think people are over the word trauma too. Like everything is not right. I just want to say that like people talk about that, but also people who lead with their trauma. Right. When they when they talk about who they are I want to get into that too. Yeah I know we, we talking about how people who have our they have people identify themselves with their trauma. And I'm a big one of my big models in therapy. Is that you your trauma happen to you. Okay. That's not you are not your trans, right? I always say that like that is a big thing. Separate that. Especially you. The kind of when I was talking about, therapist working with children, I know, parents work with children and it's said, oh, my child is bad. Separate that out. Your child have these behaviors. Your child is not bad. It's just reasons that the behaviors are affecting your child. So we need to kind of recreate the narrative around that. Yeah. So that's why I think is really important to get into that topic so we can get a better understanding of what that is, what we can do, how we can support each other doing that and also understand the impact, with relationships with trauma. So one of the things talking about comparing traumas that we just talked about, also minimizing someone trauma, which you also kind of mentioned, so is not okay to minimize somebody's trauma because that's belittling what they experience is I mean, what does this you know, what does that feel like? Let's say you're having a trauma. You would think you'd be a little bit more empathetic to that because somebody else experienced something. So it may not be to the magnitude that you feel is where you at, but it is what it is. Yep. so we want to talk about trauma bonds and trauma bonds. Yeah. So sometimes people have this habit of holding on to things or people that are familiar and not necessarily good for them. That's a trauma bond, right? In a relationship is where you share a where you have a shared negative experience or similar experiences, and that experience is your relationship is based on experience. So like if you if you both grew up with certain experiences that were negative or traumatic, that's a trauma bond. codependency is a symptom of trauma bonding. the strong emotional bonds with people that are based on traumatic events. Yeah. And I think a lot of people experience those things. I often think about my friendships and, you know, I have a history of what's called complex trauma. my complex trauma is basically where as a child, you experienced these, like, multiple traumatic events such as abuse or neglect. And so I had that experience as a child. And so I have friends that I grew up with who had those experiences similar to me. Right. And we were bonded over our trauma. But I noticed as I healed and moved on and they did, our friendships change. We were no longer trauma bonded. And so that's an example of like, you know, the trauma bias in friendships. And then I want to talk about maybe the couple aspect about it. I hear often that couples come together like, yeah. So my partner had this experience growing up. I had this problem. So that's kind of how we became friends. We came and fell into this relationship. But I don't know why we can't connect on this level. Will you connect on this level you didn't commit? This is communication, understanding, upbringing and understanding values. That's a whole different entity that doesn't come by with the trauma. So you can't use travel ban is okay because we get this experience together. Everything else I found in place that's not that's not the case. So we'll also because it's a negative experience. Right. And so I'll have to ask people who are you outside of that. Right. You know, you notice about me and you know I used to get C's about not C's. But like people often ask me, you know, like, why don't I share my story, right? Because I have this history of complex trauma and all these things that are over combat, of grace, of God. Because I don't want to be. I don't want to be identified as the person who went through this, or the trauma is associated with me. And I've learned that the trauma is a part of my story. Right. And I've also found that medium where I recognize that my story can be inspiring to art, to others, but I don't necessarily want to leave my legacy. I want to because I help my community heal at the end of the day, not for what happens in me. Why? It's part of who I am, right? It's it's it happens in. But it's not who I am. Right. So I think that's important. So for those who have experienced complex trauma, because a lot of us have. Right. And I think oftentimes it's hard for people to move beyond that because they don't have a story outside of their trauma. That's true. You know, and then also just kind of piggyback on it, like I'm talking about the complex trauma. Like a lot of people experience trauma. I've experienced trauma. We have complex trauma. We have a good friendship. But you have a really good way of if you even feel like you going towards that line, you like, you know what? No, that's conversation meme out there. I do like shit to stop that conversation. I just like, okay, so I also I respect and I think we deal with this is therapist I want to respect. I know that I can talk to you as my best friend about anything, but I think for me, I recognize that you carry so much personally and professionally. I don't want to answer that play and not play my therapist really well to hold my shit. Right. So I'm I'm going to call her. And so I think for me it's utilizing my resources. Right. And I think a lot of times when you've had when you've had a history of complex trauma, you have to lean into those resources. Right. And I want to want to just acknowledge you for, you know, we grew up very differently once we were very, very differently. But our friendship, what I love about it is not based on our trauma. Right. Like you had a you have some trauma, some complex trauma, but that's not what keeps us connected. It's like who we are is without right business partners and what we've built as a friendship. And I love that it's not based like some of my relationships in the past on our trauma is based on who we are, which is a testament to us and our growth in our healing. And then also just talking about like, it's a it's one thing to, you know, you have trauma and you express it to your friend. That's okay. But to relive it every time with your friend, that's not okay, you know, and then to get mad at your friend because they're tired of hearing it. And sometimes people feel like I don't have I don't know what you want from me. I don't have the capacity. Don't ask me. I don't know what you want from me. I don't have your answers. So then it's like if I check out, if I'm not listening, if I'm not giving you response now you feel like I'm not being a good friend. That's not the case. I understand it may be something that, okay, you're as a friend, like, okay, what can I do to support this person? What they're experiencing is I don't have the capacity to hear with this every day. I don't have the resources. I don't have the tools. Yeah. And they are not your therapist. They're your friend. So you can have these conversations with your friend. But it's not their responsibility to be holding your to hold your own baggage. Also having having those conversations with your friends I think is great. That's therapeutic. That's not the therapy. Right. You know, if I hear people say like, oh, I can tell my friends it's therapy. No, no, no, it's not the same thing. Like talking to your friends. That's therapeutic. That is not therapy. And so also respecting those boundaries that it is you are responsible for your own healing. You are just like you're responsible for your own triggers. And so is it's important to acknowledge that. And I love how, you know, in our friendships we hold each other accountable for things. Right. Even, you know, in our work I'll say, hey, Tasha, I don't know how you feel, right? I to know what you what you think, what you saw in the client and understanding and recognizing like when the counter transference that some of us may experience as therapists like, you know, one of the things, because I know I've had so much complex trauma early on in my career as a therapist. I work in at Chaz. We work that up. Tasha, I work with DCFs agency together years ago, more than ten years ago, and my supervisor was like, I want you to work with, mothers who have children in the system, like the moms trying to get the kid back. Because I grew up in a system, I told her I can't, I can't work with the mothers because I was still working. I'm still I was still dealing with my own mother issues of being in the system and my mother not being there. And so but I was able to recognize that my supervisor really was shaft and was an appreciate my man. I thank you for, you know, being honest about that. You know, I struggle to tell her that, but I knew I wanted to be in this field. I'm like, I have to acknowledge my own issues or my own challenges in working with with certain clients. Yeah. And that's important. Is a therapist to make sure, you know, we take care of ourself. Any that counter transference. That's why supervision is very important for you to have on a consistent basis, because we do not want to put any additional harm or detriment to our clients. Yeah. It's our responsibility to make sure we're holding them and that them holding us, we are not here for them as a therapist to hold our stuff in our sessions. That is not okay either. She don't talk about that's happen because, you know, I hear so many stories. And let me just be clear, the things that my clients know about me, they only know because I speak about them publicly. Right? Anybody who has ever worked with me over my ten year career can never tell you that I share one thing about myself in a session, or that I've ever made it about them, because I take pride in saying, this client, this place is about the client, and I, I've said, you know what? I need to work on my own healing. That's my responsibility. So I've done the work and I'm still doing the work out. So my therapist, Amelia Jones, I'm still doing the work so that I can continue to serve my people. But I think it's important that as clinicians and therapist and mental health professionals, we understand like the work is about the client, right? You have to be able to you have to hold yourself accountable. Say, you know what? I'm having my own issues. I mean, take a break, a step aside, right, so that I can continue to serve my clients. I wouldn't count on one. We can count on one hand how many times we hear the client say, well, the therapist talked about this and made it about them. And it's like, that's so unfair. Like, you need to be in services yourself. And this is not to say that because you've experienced that you can't do the work. It's when you haven't healed that you can't do the work. When you haven't done the work on yourself is when I think you're serving. You're not providing a service to our clients, are you? You are a disservice to our clients. Yeah, I agree, so I think that's it for us, I think to wrap that up. Yeah. I just want to leave people with some tips though in terms of how you get past two. How do you get past self identifying with your trauma. Number one is acknowledge your trauma, right. Acknowledge the impact that the trauma has had on your life. That's the first step. Also, learn how to separate yourself from your channel. What that means is you said this earlier trauma is is something that happened to you, but it does not define who you are as a person. also identifying yourself outside of your trauma, what does that mean? That means understanding that you have positive traits outside of what happened to you. go to therapy if you need it, right? Go to therapy, seek help. And I will also say like changing a narrative, right? You change a narrative by rewriting your own story. I often say, like I've rewritten my own story, and I have shaped a narrative that goes beyond my trauma, you know? And so I think that's important. I'll leave people with that. Yeah. as issue. I'm sorry. You're always picking on it, too. I actually, I'll only say is, I think I already said it inside the episode, but I just wanted to say again, be unkind, be kind to yourself in a way, and also ask yourself, Grace, I am not said in an episode. Yeah, this is something I do want to say. Be kind. Give yourself grace. Also, be mindful of when you're exposing and talking about your traumas to friends, relatives, people. Be conscious that that could be heavy and it's not their responsibility to carry your baggage and your trauma. also, if they are your friends or relatives are giving you resources like, hey, seek therapy, here's a group, do not take that as a dig. Do not take that. They're not trying to be involved that you don't care about. You take that as another way of the positive thing that we I care about you that much that I got these resources for you. And I would just say add that much people to remember that your resilience and that there's always room for growth as long as you're living. Yep. All right, y'all, this this episode, make sure you follow us on our social media platforms right. With a purpose. Follow me. A Titanic here is to me and K, follow me. Easy, Latasha D Tony. Not at IG in our social media platforms, emails and, website where I would send us an email. Y'all let us know your thoughts questions about podcast. We'll see our next time. Bye.